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| 10 Tips to Becoming an Askable Parent |
- Recognize sexuality as a lifelong process.
We are sexual beings from birth to death. It's important for children (and
adults) to understand that sexuality is more than sexual behavior. Help
them to understand that sex is "what you do" whereas sexuality is "who
you are". Remember that your children are sexual beings and curiosity
about sexuality is normal and healthy. The length and content of
discussions with your children should evolve as they mature and become
able to comprehend more abstract information regarding sexuality.
- Actively understand your own value system.
Don't wait until your child asks about sexual activity to clarify what your
values are. If you haven't started yet, begin discussing general values
with your children. This will make for a more natural transition when you
discuss values relating to sexuality. Think about what values you would
most like to impart to your children. Rehearse in your mind (or in front of a
mirror) the way you want to respond to questions and situations so you will
be better prepared when the time comes.
- Don't expect to be a "sex expert".
Even professionals turn to resources when confronting a difficult question
or situation. The important thing is that you and your children are
communicating! You should review basic information about human
anatomy, reproduction, puberty and sexually transmitted infections.
Books and videos can be borrowed from Planned Parenthood and the
public library. It's also a good idea to purchase one general guidebook
written for families.
- Give only age-appropriate information.
It is difficult to know exactly what is age-appropriate. Information provided
to your child on sexuality (or anything else) should be based on their
physical, developmental and emotional levels. Giving children too much in
one discussion will only confuse and frustrate them. So expect to repeat
discussions, children learn by repetition providing you with opportunities to
expand on past discussions.
- Keep "V.I.F." in mind.
Children of all ages need their parents to share Values, Information and
Feelings with them. Most discussions on sexuality overload on the
information by centering on "plumbing". Knowing the facts about our
bodies is important but being able to clarify our values and possessing the
skills to make good decisions is more vital. Children, especially
adolescents and older teens, need an opportunity to explore their feelings
and hear how the adults in their lives feel about love and intimacy.
Whenever you answer a factual question go the distance and share your
family values and feelings with your child.
- Be honest about your knowledge and feelings.
If you don't know the answer to a child's question, don't be embarrassed to
admit it. Children need to learn that it's important to admit when they don't
understand something and know where to go for help. Use this
opportunity to look for the answer together. Recognize and acknowledge
feelings of discomfort or embarrassment you or your child may be
experiencing. A simple acknowledgment like "I can see you're
embarrassed and I understand, this is really hard for me too, but it's
important that we talk about it" may clear the air and lay the foundation for
further discussions. Don't try to be a friend at the expense of being a
parent.
- Take the initiative.
Do not assume that because your child doesn't ask questions about
sexuality he or she is not curious. Silence about sexuality may be
insinuating that it isn't an appropriate topic for discussion. If your child has
not begun to ask questions by the age of five, bring up the subject
yourself. Young children should have a clear understanding of unwanted
touch, private and public behavior, and an accurate vocabulary for all body
parts. Remember that teens get sexuality messages daily from peers, TV
and music lyrics. The only way to counteract unhealthy messages is by
communicating with your teenager.
- Use teachable moments.
With younger children, daily activities and family events are perfect
opportunities to begin discussion. Bath time is a good time to talk about
inappropriate touch, names for body parts, and private-public behavior. A
family member's pregnancy can be used to educate on conception and
family structure. With older children, make use of the things they like: TV
shows, records, magazines and events involving sports and entertainment
personalities. Madonna's pregnancy and Magic Johnson's HIV status
have enabled askable parents to begin discussions with their teens.
- Be a good listener.
When discussing sexuality, stop what you're doing and look at your
children. When responding to younger children, listen carefully and be
sure you're answering what is being asked. Try to determine how much
your child already knows by responding to their questions with, "What do
you think?" Their response will help you know their present level of
understanding and any misconceptions they may have. With adolescents
and older teens watch for third party statements or questions that begin "I
have a friend..." or " What would you do if...?" Teenagers will often "feel a
parent out" before acknowledging a problem. Don't panic but address the
situation immediately.
- Be a positive sexual role model.
The goal of sexuality education is to help children grow into sexually healthy
adults. They need ongoing examples of how a sexually healthy responsible adult
behaves. Be aware of the nonverbal messages you are giving your children.
When you demonstrate warmth, affection and support for your spouse/partner
you are showing your child how to behave in interpersonal relationships. When
you take responsibility for mistakes or misunderstandings you reinforce the way
adults should behave. When you demonstrate self-esteem, self-confidence and
assertiveness you are educating your children about how to like and respect
themselves. Remember to praise your children when they come to you with
sexual questions.
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